The World as Best I Remember It

What I remember most about my childhood is the walks to and from school. In this moment of solitude, you would find me looking up at the trees, the pictures in the sky, making up songs, and singing to my best understanding of God in gratitude, sadness, excitement, and anxiety. Amazed at the cycles of life and seeing the seasons as the certainty of birth, rest(some would say death), and resurrection. Yet, I saw something more significant than me, mainly in the trees, heavy with leaves, the pattern of letting go and then releasing to the ground to make room for newness. It was the time when everything was a wonder. A design that would come back to me later in life.

I remember in my 20s and early 30’s just being afraid life would shift between and beneath my feet. Wonder was replaced with anxiety and attachment to holding on to what I thought I possessed, even if it wasn’t what served me or those around me. To fear that one mistake would mean the end of the life I thought I wanted and had not yet achieved. I believed without doubt and judged without reflection how I thought the world and others should act. The center of the narrative was always me, and there were many supporting characters within MY story.

In my late 30s and 40s, as life unfolded, pieces came together, and an acceptance of my path became almost logical from the unknown path to the logical next step. Plans turned into reality, and my wonder became more moments in the background. I had so much gratitude for my life, my relationships, my career, and the clarity of the next steps. I was more fortunate than I probably should have expected. The right people and opportunities came my way at the right times. The river wasn’t straight, but it rarely is, as I have come to understand, but the flow seemed to guide me towards the hint of something greater, maybe purpose? It was a season of possessing the things in life. Not in a bad way, just in a natural stage of progression.

As I enter my 50s, it is another bend in the river. The difference is I am old enough to understand the end but still feel there are more opportunities for me to contribute to the greater story. To contribute to others. Purpose has replaced possession. That pattern I first learned as a young child watching the trees has returned. I find it is a season of letting go as a spiritual practice. The leaves have grown heavy(my possession of things), and I find letting them fall away, letting them go, clears space, freeing me for the new growth of the second half of life. I find the truth that disturbs us is we don’t possess anything in life. It all passes, but we see the love underneath of the keeping of things, our attachment to others, and even aspects of ourselves(ego) we believe define us.

I think that realization permits us to let go and to allow the new to enter our life. That may be the secret to aging without feeling old. The space between death and renewal. The gap where we are transformed into a new creation, as the scriptures say so often in so many ways.

I do not know what is around the next bend, but I find I am more grateful than fearful, at least in this season of life. Life is uncertain, and we are bombarded with messages of fear. The fear, in my experience, comes from our need to have certainty, to cling.

I believe in the practice of that great spiritual guru Tom Hanks when he says, “I wish I had known that ‘this too shall pass.’ You feel bad right now? You feel bad, you feel angry?’ This too shall pass,” Hanks says. “You feel great? Do you feel like you know all the answers? This too shall pass… Time is your ally and if nothing else, just wait. Wait it out.”

If you are struggling, rest in the present moment with the knowing it will pass. If you find joy, rest in the moment and savor, do not cling. If you feel no hope, trust that hope comes back to you if you can practice the great pause. Maybe not in the form you expect or following the story you wanted to tell, but often in a better form than you could have imagined. It’s the law of Serendipity.

That is the world as best I remember it.